Recently, while I was talking to someone I had just met, I heard myself telling the story, one more time, of how I came to New Mexico with practically nothing and within a few years bought a house, car and more.

    The routine was familiar: Joan tells the story. Then, the listener says something like, "Wow. That's fantastic." Joan feels validated and accepted -- her payoff for telling the story.

    Only this time, the payoff didn't work. Here I am, almost six years after moving to New Mexico, still telling the same story. Granted, it's a good story, one that probably stands as an inspiration to some in the proper circumstances. But that's not why I was telling it. I was telling the story because I knew that there was a 99 percent chance that I'd make a positive impression on the person I was talking to.

    That's not the only story I find myself repeating. Like an actor, or stand-up comic, I have certain routines (stories) that I have told often and, over time, honed until they take on a certain life of their own. After a while, they become like familiar friends who I know well and can always count on to accomplish something for me.

    Once I recognized what I was doing, I listened to other people's stories. Only this time, I listened with a different ear. I realized that all of us have our favorite stories that we tell over and over again, knowing full well how the stories will affect other people and what we can expect in terms of reactions from others.

    When you meet someone new, don't you usually trade stories? The stories seem to define us and why we are who we are and where we are in life. The only problem is that the stories are often 20, 30, or 40 or more years old. And we keep using them as our personal definition.

    No wonder people get struck in a particular life position. They can't move forward because they are defined by their past.

    What's Your Story? Can you recognize the stories that you tell over and over again? How many of them are about a dysfunctional family and it's effect on you? Or, perhaps you tell stories that allow you to appear resourceful or virtuous. What kind of reactions do you expect from others when you tell your stories?

    We use stories from our past because they serve us. When was the last time you used your parents and their behavior towards you as the reason you do something (or don't do something)? How many times have you told the story of the struggle during your early years as an explanation for your current life condition?

    One of the reasons we get stuck in our stories is that there is an emotional charge associated with them. Unless the emotional charge is neutralized, it stays with us, always looking for a means of expression. With certain techniques, the emotional charge from life experiences can be removed fairly quickly and you can get on with your life -- and create new stories.

    Are You Ready to Turn In Your Story?

    Imagine, if you will, that each of us gets a story that can only stay with us for five years. After that time, like a library book that we have borrowed, the story has to be returned and we have to choose another one to live.

    The new story can have whatever characters in it that we choose, so we can bring some people with us. Like a sequel. The story can be a comedy, tragedy, romance, or whatever kind of plot that we find most pleasing. The only rule is that we can't refer to the stories that we lived before. We can bring our wisdom with us, but not the details of how we grew and ripened.

    Now imagine that this system of trading in old stories has just recently gone into effect. Everyone is being asked to hand in their old stories -- some of which have been with them for what seems like forever. The promise is that when a story is handed in and a new one created, the storyteller can truly have whatever they want. They have the freedom to create a story in which they are living the perfect life.

    Like a plot in a good novel, the new story has to unfold. Characters have to be defined and developed and a plot line laid out, one page at a time. No fair peeking and reading the last chapter before the entire story unfolds.

    You really can have whatever you want! I believe it because of my own life experience and the experience of others I have observed. The only thing that holds us back from living our dreams is Us. Opportunity is all around us. It's up to us to recognize it and act upon it.

    Some Suggestions. If you are ready to move beyond the stories of your past, here are some suggestions to help you through the process:

      1. Listen to yourself as you tell your stories. Which are your favorites? How old are they? Are you still using experiences from your childhood to define and explain your adulthood? You have the choice of changing that.

      2. Become aware of the payoff you expect from your stories. What is it that you get from the listener that motivates you to tell the story over and over again?

      3. How do the stories make you feel? Is that a feeling you want to perpetrate?

      4. Start writing a new story. You can actually write out the story that you want to live. Look at the story carefully and ask yourself how you can allow that story to take shape -- one chapter at a time.

      5. Stop telling your old story.